"Alien Artifact"
mckenna/insana
______________
FADE IN
INT—OFFICE—DAY
JIM is at HIS desk, scribbling on a piece of paper. MICHAEL approaches.
MICHAEL: (trying to sound cool)
Jim Halpert, how are you. What’s up? Wazzup? What’s up doc? What’s happening? Dy-no-mite!
JIM:
I’m fine, thanks.
MICHAEL notices the paper in JIM’S hand.
MICHAEL: (excited)
Is that a mad-lib?
JIM:
What? Oh, yeah. They were selling them for 25 cents at the store. I got like five of them, and...
Before JIM can finish, MICHAEL reaches across JIM’S desk and takes a handful mad-lib sheets.
CUT TO—MICHAEL’S OFFICE
MICHAEL, seated at his desk, is holding the papers in HIS left hand. He is playing with a pen in HIS right hand. It is apparent that HE is deep in concentration. JIM, sitting across from MICHAEL, awkwardly breaks the silence.
JIM:
Um...do you need help with that?
MICHAEL: (quickly)
No.
JUMP CUT TO—A FEW MINUTES LATER
MICHAEL: (groans dramatically)
Arrgh. So many choices. I have no idea what to do.
JIM: (holding in laughter)
Have you filled in any blanks yet?
MICHAEL:
Not quite. The first one is always the hardest.
JIM: (nods)
So true. You should just make it up as you go along.
MICHAEL: (emphatically)
No, absolutely not. That’s taking the easy way out. Each selection needs to be...perfect. Each one needs to be...hilarious.
JIM is on the verge of total laughter.
JIM:
But I can help you, Michael. Together we can make these mad-libs hysterical. Why won’t you let me in?
MICHAEL:
No, I can’t let you. These mad-libs are a mountain I need to climb myself...
MICHAEL takes one quick glance at the blank mad lib sheet in front of HIM. HE sighs.
MICHAEL:
Please send Dwight in here.
CUT TO—A FEW SECONDS LATER
MICHAEL is pacing around HIS office in meditation. DWIGHT is reading over the mad-lib studiously. JIM is now back at HIS desk.
DWIGHT:
Hmm...the first blank is asking for a noun. (thinking) We need a noun. Hmm. Noun. How about a Doloire?
MICHAEL:
What...how...what the heck is a Doloire?
DWIGHT:
It’s a twelfth century battle-axe used for ——
MICHAEL: (frustrated)
Why do you have to be such a loser, Dwight?
MICHAEL rips the mad-lib out of DWIGHT’S hands.
MICHAEL:
I always have to do everything myself.
CUT TO—OFFICE
DWIGHT returns to HIS desk. MICHAEL exits HIS office and begins making HIS way toward the kitchen. PAM calls to HIM from HER desk.
PAM:
What should I do with your mail, Michael?
MICHAEL: (entering kitchen)
Just leave it on my desk.
CUT TO—MICHAEL’S OFFICE
PAM has just entered MICHAEL’S office, bundle of mail in hand. SHE notices the pile of mad-libs on HIS desk.
PAM: (to herself)
Oooh, mad-libs!
PAM places MICHAEL’S mail on his desk and picks up a mad-lib. SHE leafs through it, but after just a few seconds, HER expression changes from one of mild interest, to one of absolute shock. SHE tosses that paper aside and picks up the second. HER expression has not changed. MICHAEL reenters HIS office, a cup of coffee in HIS hand. PAM stares at HIM, HER mouth fully open.
MICHAEL: (embarrassed)
Um...I...I can explain that.
CUT TO—PAM IN CONFERENCE ROOM—TALKING HEAD
PAM:
Michael used the word "vagina" for every space of every sheet....even in the spaces for verbs...and he spelled it wrong...every time.
CUT TO—OPENING CREDITS
CUT TO—MICHAEL’S OFFICE
MICHAEL’S phone rings. HE puts it on speaker.
MICHAEL:
Yallo, Yallo, Yallo.
RYAN:
Michael, it’s Ryan.
MICHAEL:
Well, Ryan, howdy there, what a pleasant surprise!
RYAN:
What are you talking about? I said yesterday that I’d be calling you today. Don’t you remember our conversation?
MICHAEL:
Um...yeah...most of it...lemme check my notes...(ruffles through papers)...oh yes, now I remember...you said that...nope, I have no idea what we talked about yesterday.
RYAN is heard groaning on the other line.
CUT TO—RYAN IN HIS NEW YORK OFFICE—TALKING HEAD
RYAN:
Over the phone last May, Mr. Wallace described the job as “Corporate Manager.” I think “Corporate Babysitter” is more appropriate.
CUT TO—MICHAEL’S OFFICE
RYAN:
Basically, what I told you yesterday, was that today is the last day to fill out the paperwork for our client Mr. Sayer.
MICHAEL:
Mr. Sayer. Paperwork. Got it. Book it. Dy-no-mite!
RYAN: (emphatically)
Don’t forget, Michael. That contract needs to be signed by 6 PM or we lose this client.
MICHAEL:
Temp...uh, I mean Ryan...you gotta relax. I’m so money in this situation. I’m so money and I don’t even know it! (looks at camera) Vince Vaughn. Swingers.
RYAN: (exacerbated)
Just...get it done, Michael.
RYAN hangs up.
CUT TO-OFFICE
JIM is on the phone. DWIGHT is not at HIS desk.
JIM:
...no sir, what you want is toilet paper. We sell regular paper...no, I don’t think I’m qualified to recommend anything...sure, no problem. Okay, bye.
MICHAEL walks out of HIS office and over to JIM.
MICHAEL:
Hey, where the hell is Dwight? I have something weird in between my toes and I want him to check it out.
JIM:
Wow. That is disgusting.
MICHAEL:
No, actually it’s not that bad. It is sort of a purplish color, though.
JIM:
That is not what I meant.
MICHAEL: (sighing)
Hey, Pam, any chance you want to-
PAM:
No.
CUT TO-PAM IN CONFERENCE ROOM-TALKING HEAD
PAM:
Michael is unnaturally comfortable with his body. This brings back some painful memories of when he took us all to the community swimming pool.
CUT TO-OFFICE
DWIGHT enters the office carrying a box.
MICHAEL:
Dwight, where were you? What’s in that box?
DWIGHT: (grinning devilishly)
I’m glad you asked that Michael. (projecting HIS voice throughout the office) Ladies and gentlemen of Dunder/Mifflin, I have an announcement to make that concerns each and every one of you.
Most of the office looks over. STANLEY, who is on the phone, turns around in HIS chair and continues talking.
DWIGHT:
I have just located something in the parking lot that will change all of your lives —— nay, the course of mankind. Here in the box, I possess proof of extraterrestrial life.
DWIGHT reaches into the box and pulls out a large metallic object. Part of it looks like a tube.
DWIGHT:
I found this alien artifact right here in our very parking lot. Dunder/Mifflin will forever be remembered as the location where-
JIM raises HIS hand.
DWIGHT:
What?
JIM:
Can I use it to make toast?
PAM, KEVIN, and PHYLLIS laugh.
DWIGHT:
Very funny, Jim. It’s nice to see how seriously you’re taking the future of humanity.
OSCAR:
Dwight, that thing could be anything.
DWIGHT: (excitedly)
Exactly. Thank you. It could be used for beaming them back and forth between planets or sucking souls out of their victims.
OSCAR:
That’s not what I meant.
MICHAEL:
Pssh. Come on, Dwight. Aliens are not real.
DWIGHT:
Are too. Ever seen Independence Day? Or Close Encounters of a Third Kind? Or War or the Worlds? Or Ghostbusters?
JIM:
Ghostbusters is about ghosts, Dwight. Not aliens.
DWIGHT:
Irrelevant. I WILL prove to you that this is a UFO. I will prove it to ALL of you.
MICHAEL: (sarcastically)
Yeah right, Dwight. Good luck. (makes Vulcan symbol) May the force be with you.
CUT TO-MICHAEL IN HIS OFFICE-TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL:
Growing up, I was never really into any science fiction or fantasy shows. I liked shows of real things. My favorite show was the Muppet Show. I didn’t watch Star Trek; never a big fan of James Dean.
CUT TO-OFFICE
DWIGHT is seated back at HIS desk. HE appears to be working at HIS computer but bends down every few seconds to stare at the object in the box next to HIS desk. Finally, HE picks it up and holds it in HIS hands. HE puts the opening to HIS face.
DWIGHT:
Wow, can you imagine how many brains this baby must have sucked out?
JIM: (under his breath)
At least one.
CUT TO-PAM IN CONFERENCE ROOM-TALKING HEAD
PAM:
Yes, I do believe in aliens. I like to think that our small, little planet isn’t the only life in such a vast universe. If something ever happened to the Earth, I’d like to thing that-
PAM starts cracking up.
PAM: (cont.)
I’m sorry. I thought that I’d be able to get through that one with a straight face. Yeah, Dwight’s out of his mind.
CUT TO-DWIGHT IN CONFERENCE ROOM-TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT:
Yes, I believe in aliens. I’ve believed in aliens since I was eight years old when I saw one with my own two eyes. One winter, I was on the beet farm. It was Christmas Eve and I heard a large object trying to make its way down my chimney. It appeared to be the form of a large red blob. So I got a pitchfork and started jabbing it, but it got back out the chimney. When my grandfather arrived that night, he looked all beat up. I bet they abducted him and then probed him.
CUT TO-KITCHEN
TOBY, MEREDITH, KEVIN, and KELLY are all eating their lunches.
KEVIN:
So what do you guys think that thing is? I’ve never seen anything like it before.
TOBY:
I don’t know. But you know, the chances of any alien life coming into contact with ours is astronomically slim.
KEVIN:
Yeah, but how awesome would it be if they came down to look for that thing and destroyed this building so we’d never have to come back to work. That would be so sweet.
KELLY:
I wouldn’t mind there being aliens. Just as long as they’re all like ET. Except, there is no way I would touch his finger. I mean, that’s so gross!
MEREDITH:
I can tell you right now, you’re all wrong. There’s no suck thing as aliens.
TOBY:
Finally, someone is making some sense.
MEREDITH:
Yeah, it’s definitely Big Foot that we all need to worry about.
TOBY: (putting his face in his hands)
For Pete’s sake...
CUT TO-MEREDITH IN KITCHEN-TALKING HEAD
MEREDITH:
Once, I was driving home from a bar and my minivan swerved off the road for no reason at all. I blacked out, but when I woke up, I saw that someone had pushed my minivan through someone’s living room wall. Big Foot is the only one strong enough to do that...that’s believable to a jury, right?
CUT TO-BREAK ROOM
ANDY is eating a candy bar. DWIGHT enters.
ANDY:
Hey, D-ster. Looking to get your snacks on? Maybe get a Mars Bar?
DWIGHT slams his hands down on the table directly in front of ANDY.
DWIGHT:
I’m glad you’re taking this so lightly, Bernard. Once I make contact with these beings, I will travel with them through space and/or time with them. They will come to adore me and my enemies will become their enemies. Got that?
ANDY:
Yeppity, yep yep.
CUT TO-DWIGHT IN CONFERENCE ROOM-TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT:
For almost all my life, it has been my dream to travel with aliens aboard their mother ship throughout the universe. I would make a great alien ambassador. I speak fluent Klingon, Huttese, and I know a handful of Portugese words...in case the aliens want to go to Brazil and stare at topless natives.
CUT TO-OFFICE
JIM is at reception talking with PAM.
JIM:
Okay so explain to me how it’s been three hours since Dwight got here and we haven’t cashed in on this yet?
PAM:
So what are you thinking?
JIM:
Oh, you’ll see, very, very soon.
CUT TO-MICHAEL’S OFFICE
MICHAEL is staring attentively at HIS computer screen.
MICHAEL: (slowly)
Oh my God...
CUT TO-MICHAEL IN HIS OFFICE-TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL:
I have spent the whole morning downloading episodes of Unsolved Mysteries onto my computer and...well, it’s not that I believe in aliens, but...come on. Give me a better explanation for those crop circles.
CUT TO-MICHAEL’S OFFICE
ANGELA enters. MICHAEL jumps, startled.
MICHAEL:
God, ever heard of knocking?
ANGELA:
Michael, I was going over some reports and it looks like one of our clients still owes us-
MICHAEL:
Hey, Angela, do you believe in aliens?
ANGELA pauses before speaking.
ANGELA:
Genesis says nothing about life anywhere but Earth.
MICHAEL:
Yeah, but are we really going to take scientific advice from Phil Collins?
CUT TO-OFFICE
JIM is eyeing DWIGHT across HIS desk.
JIM:
Hey, Dwight, I was just thinking. You know that extraterrestrial technology you found this morning?
DWIGHT:
Yes.
JIM:
Well, I was just thinking that if that thing wasn’t there yesterday, then the aliens are probably still near. If I were you, I’d find some way to give it back to them before they get angry and come after the one who stole it.
DWIGHT:
I’ve never stolen anything in my life.
JIM: (leaning back in his chair)
Well, you’re the one who has it. I guess you can explain everything to them.
DWIGHT:
What do I do? Tell me now.
JIM:
Okay, but this is top secret. I only know this because my uncle was a government worker in Area 51. I’m never supposed to tell anyone.
DWIGHT:
I’ll never tell. What do I do?
JIM:
What you have to do is take a radio, and put it up to its highest frequency. That contacts them. Then burn a fire in a garbage can so that they know where to come.
DWIGHT:
That seems simple. Someone must have done that by now.
JIM: (ominously)
No one any longer with us.
DWIGHT: (getting up)
I’m on it.
DWIGHT walks into the doorway of MICHAEL’S office.
DWIGHT:
Michael, permission to contact aliens in the parking lot?
MICHAEL: (buried in HIS computer screen)
Huh? Whatever.
CUT TO-OFFICE
MICHAEL walks out of HIS office and over to PHYLLIS.
MICHAEL:
Hey, Phyllis, I was wondering. Since Dwight is contacting aliens, do you have a Bible I can hide behind?
PHYLLIS:
That’s vampires.
MICHAEL:
Oh...how about something silver?
PHYLLIS:
Werewolves.
MICHAEL:
Okay, a stake and hammer?
PHYLLIS:
Vampires also.
MICHAEL:
And garlic?
PHYLLIS:
...vampires.
MICHAEL:
Hey, Stanley do you-
STANLEY:
No to every word that you will say.
CUT TO-STANLEY IN CONFERENCE ROOM-TALKING HEAD
STANLEY:
I do not believe in aliens. But if given the chance to get out of this hellhole, I would go with anyone.
CUT TO-PARKING LOT
DWIGHT and ANDY are standing around a garbage can. DWIGHT is holding the object. A radio is at HIS feet.
DWIGHT:
Alright, do you have the lighter?
ANDY:
Pink one or green?
DWIGHT: (thinking intently)
Aliens would probably find pink more attractive.
ANDY lights the garbage, starting a fire.
DWIGHT:
Quick! Go get everyone! They must witness this moment!
CUT TO—PAM’S DESK
MICHAEL is standing nearby, in the doorway of HIS office. Everyone else but DWIGHT and ANDY is hard at work. The phone on PAM’S desk rings.
PAM:
Dunder/Mifflin, this is Pam. Oh, hello. (to MICHAEL) Jan is on the line for you.
MICHAEL rolls HIS eyes exhaustedly.
CUT TO—MICHAEL’S OFFICE—TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL:
I’ll admit, living with Jan this summer has certainly been an experience. We both have our own little quirks and stuff, you know how it gets. It’s almost like we’re our own little “Odd Couple.” I get up every morning and go to work, and she sits around every day...in sweatpants...constantly complaining that she’s getting fat.
CUT TO—PAM’S DESK
MICHAEL: (sighs)
Tell her I’m on the phone with a client right now.
PAM: (nods)
Jan...hi...sorry, but he’s on the other line right now talking to a client...uh huh...(to MICHAEL) She says she knows you’re not on the phone talking to a client.
CUT TO—MICHAEL’S OFFICE—TALKING HEAD (cont.)
MICHAEL:
But I wouldn’t trade living with Jan for anything in the world. Except maybe a house. Yeah, I think I’d trade it for a house. That way...Jan could live...in that other house...
CUT TO—PAM’S DESK
PAM:
What should I tell her now?
MICHAEL:
Um...tell her I’m...in the bathroom with...gas...I’m in the bathroom, and I have terrible, terrible bowel movements.
PAM:
Hey, Jan? He just suddenly had to run to the bathroom...yes...I see...got it...(to MICHAEL) She says she knows your standing right next to me and that you should stop avoiding her and just pick up the phone.
MICHAEL: (defeated)
......fine.
MICHAEL begins making HIS way to take the phone from PAM, but just then ANDY bursts excitedly back into the office.
ANDY:
Hurry! Come see what Dwight found with the UFO!
MICHAEL, sensing this opportunity, makes a sprint for the door.
PAM:
Wait, Michael! What do I tell Jan?
MICHAEL: (hurriedly)
Tell her I’m going to check out aliens in the parking lot.
MICHAEL dashes out to the elevators. PAM rolls HER eyes.
PAM: (to JAN)
He really can’t come to the phone now, Jan. Why? Because he’s...going to see aliens in the parking lot...would I make that up?
CUT TO-PARKING LOT
EVERYONE is walking out of the office, the day of work over. DWIGHT is still sitting by the garbage can. The fire is dying. JIM and PAM exit together. JIM walks up to HIM.
JIM:
Well, man, you tried. I guess the aliens are letting you keep it. Enjoy.
CUT TO-PAM IN PARKING LOT-TALKING HEAD
PAM:
I guess it does kind of bother me that I don’t know what that thing was. That is weird. But...I don’t think it’s from another planet.
CUT TO—OFFICE
Everyone is making their way back from the parking lot, gathering their belongings, and making their way home. MICHAEL hears HIS phone ringing and enters HIS office to answer it.
CUT TO—MICHAEL’S OFFICE
MICHAEL: (pressing speaker button)
Michael Scott.
RYAN:
It’s me.
MICHAEL: (enthusiastically)
Ryan! Just the guy I wanted to hear from. (laughing) You gotta listen to this. We just had the wildest afternoon.
RYAN:
That’s great, Michael. I’m very happy for you. Did you sign the papers?
MICHAEL’S happy expression drops instantly.
MICHAEL:
The...the Sayer papers?
RYAN:
Yes. (sensing MICHAEL’S response) Michael, please tell me you signed Sayer’s contract.
MICHAEL: (nervously)
Well, I was all set to sign the thing...but then Dwight found an alien artifact, and...
RYAN:
Wait...you forgot to sign the papers because of aliens?
MICHAEL:
Um...yes...
RYAN hangs up the phone.
CUT TO—RYAN IN HIS NEW YORK OFFICE—TALKNIG HEAD
RYAN: (wearily)
You know, in my three years at Scranton, I always thought that Jan was way too lenient towards Michael’s antics. After three months in her position, I realize that she wasn’t being lenient at all...she was just trying to keep her sanity.
CUT TO—PARKING LOT
Only DWIGHT remains. HE stares at the mysterious artifact, wondering what went wrong.
CUT TO-DWIGHT IN PARKING LOT-TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT: (disappointedly)
I’m deciding to leave the object here, just in case the aliens want it back.
CUT TO-PARKING LOT HOURS LATER
Nobody is left in the parking lot. The last few flames are dying. A figure walks over to the object, picks it up, and walks away.
CUT TO-CREED IN PARKING LOT-TALKING HEAD
CREED:
In the sixties, I experimented with many drugs...and many combinations of drugs. Now, I sometimes feel the effects of those wonderful acid trips. So to correct some of those problems, I made...
CREED holds up the object.
CREED: (cont.)
...this penis pump out of mostly illegally imported Japanese objects. It works very well. Highly recommended.
~END~
Feel free to send us an email at cai5000@aol.com whenever you have comments, concerns, critiques, or suggestions. We always love hearing from our readers.